Identity Crisis

In the past week I had the privilege and greatest opportunity to go to a state conference, surrounded by amazing people who like me, wanted to learn more and develop themselves so that they can empower others and create an impact. 

I dissected myself raw to my core, in ways I had never done so - whether that be out of never having the opportunity to, or the fear of what I may discover. Regardless, I am proud of myself and my peers for the self exploration we went through together, sharing our highs and our lows, inspiring ourselves, and each other to strive and not be afraid of falling. 

I feel as if everyone has this experience, but this is my story. When I was younger, I was afraid of failure. Even now to some extent I still am. Throughout my early years I was the golden child, the child that was praised during family-friend gatherings, where parents told me that they hope that their child grows to be as successful as me. In high school, I was the person that achieved so much, the one who was always involved, got such good grades, got awards and leadership positions. 

However, I never really felt like I deserved any of these titles, grades, awards, or leadership positions. Regardless, I kept this facade of an intelligent and successful person. 

Success became my identity. And it ruined me. 

In 2019 I applied for school captain, I didn't get the role. And I cried. I cried not because I was disappointed in myself, but because I thought I disappointed everyone, that I failed. Many people came up to me and said words like 'I'm surprised that you didn't get the role', 'I really thought that you would get it' and 'you will always be school captain in my heart'. Although I knew that these words were said with good intentions, instead of stitching the shallow wound that I had, they instead dug the needle into my core. 

I was no longer the golden child or high achiever that everyone thought I was. I had gone through rejections in the past, but nothing quite like this. In my journey, I kept going up and up, and to fall in this way when there were so many people who expected me to go higher made me question myself. Question my capabilities, my experiences and my value. I didn't feel deserving of anything. 

In the past 3 days, I relived these moments. The highs and the lows. I listened to people's stories where they failed. People who were in such high positions, people that I, and many people look up to also fell. They shared their stories about developing a callous mindset, inner and outer journeys, the butterfly effect and persevering through failures. Sure I knew this already, we had learnt it at school and it was all self-explanatory. I can't tell you what was in the air, but I can tell you that it all just clicked. 

Hearing these stories, I am no longer (well less) afraid to fall. If these past few days has taught me anything, it is that one experiences, let alone achieves nothing by being scared and avoidant. Whatever step I take, it is a step forward. If I roll down the hill or fall a few steps back, I know that my support system will help me back up and that I'll be guided by the people who have journeyed ahead of me because I am never alone. 

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A few self reflection questions that were really impactful for me and maybe for you as well :) 

Essence - what am I and always believe I will be?

A student. I am and will always be forever learning, and growing. That is the beauty of being human, reading my friend's reflection of the past few days, is it because of our own awareness of our mortality that makes us want to continue to learn and grow? Regardless, being curious about the world opens doors of opportunities of exploration and new experiences.

Potential - what would I like to be and believe I can become?

I would like to be someone who empowers people. Empower people in any way possible whether that be to achieve their goals, go outside their comfort zone, or something else. As I have grown, everything I do is leading up to me to become this person, as a thank you and expression of gratitude to those before who have empowered me.

Limit - what would I like to be but believe I never will be?

Nothing - I'm having a bit of a hard time believing this for myself but for others I really do believe that the sky is the limit and that everyone has potential to be who they want to be.

Border - what do I not want to be and believe I will never be?

I refuse to be someone that invalidates other people's emotions and experiences. Being on the receiving end of this really messes you up and questions your worth and value. I think a lot about certain conversations I've had and whether I may have done this to them or not and it scares me to think that I most likely have have. I regret it a lot but like I said, I'm a student. I've learnt and I've grown, I now know what this looks like being on  both sides and I refuse to ever be that person. 

Weakness - what do I not want to be, but am afraid to become?

I am afraid to be someone who isn't able to stand up for themselves and speak of their discomfort. This fear stems from and is a consequence of my shadow. I am doing better at this however it's a double edge sword. I'm scared of standing up for myself and speaking of my discomfort, but I am also scared to not be this someone, and experience the consequences of not doing this. 

Shadow - what do I not like to be but believe I always will be?

Despite that giant rant about feeling like a failure because I cared too much about other perceptions of me, even though I don't like to admit it I am and will always be a people pleaser, sometimes to the point where I sacrifice my own identity. No one knows why but that is just the way I am. I can't escape it. When I think I'm working towards being free of others' opinions, it secretly creeps up behind me and yanks me to the darkness. 

Written on: 09/04/2021