Time Travelling

Every day, I'm dragging my feet into the next day, into the next week.

Then I look in the rear mirror and the last month seems like a blur. 

These past few months since the lockdown lifted I've been running an endless marathon. Uni, family, extra-curricular activities, inter-personal issues and my own demons... 

There is always something that needs to be done.

There is always a problem that needs to be resolved. 

I keep running and running forward because I have to. Even at times I am so drained and so tired that I can't take another step, I end up crawling on my hands and knees to get to the weekend, only for the cycle to begin again when my alarm clock rings on Monday morning. 

There's this invisible collar around my neck where society is pulling me on a leash towards applying for internships at large firms even though I'm currently not interested, and getting a degree even though I hate studying.

I watch people who inspire me on YouTube and remind myself that it's okay. I'm on my own timeline and it's okay that I'm still figuring things out. 

But then I look at the people around me - their ambitions, their careers and their studies and I find myself panicking that I'm not like them and scrambling to get myself together. 

The most painful thing though is that I don't know what the next check point looks like. I don't have a great ambition that I want to achieve in my lifetime or a dream career that I'm working towards. So I never know when to pause and celebrate. I always continue running to the next new thing. 

At the end of the day, I am not living my life intentionally. I am letting time fleetingly pass. I'm not living in the present and savouring all life has to offer me - both the good and the bad.

And to be frank, I don't know what the intentional life looks like at the moment. But I'm going to follow my heart and see where the road takes me...

Written on: 30th of April 2022