Resilience

Resilience. The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. 

I have been planning to write this (but not at 11:35pm on Wednesday, the 16th of September 2020) all day since this morning when I felt my lowest. During this very sad, but inevitable event that I'm currently experiencing, my friends, psychologist and the lady on Lifeline all called me resilient. 

I didn't feel that way. In my head I knew I was but in my heart, it was not like that. The resilient thoughts that have been circling around in my head were 

• 'if it's meant to be, the universe will make it happen, if it's not meant to be, the universe will make something else happen that is meant to be'
• 'it'll all get better eventually'
• 'what goes up must come down... but for it to go down, it has to go up again' 

Particularly this morning even though I had been chanting such thoughts in my head, I felt so hopeless. The light was clouded by my hopelessness, despair and loneliness. I didn't have hope that things would get better in the near or distant future... and yet, here we are. Despite all that's occured I am feeling so joyous in this moment, hopeful and optimistic about the future. 

I feel... no. I am resilient. 

I called a bunch of friends today because I really needed the support and advice but one of the things that really got me thinking and made my mood do a whole 180 was this piece of advice

The past and the future aren't real. You can't change what happened and you don't know what is going to happen. The only thing that is real is the present. Be responsible for the now and choose Joy. And when the next moment comes, choose Joy.

I am not really someone who dwells on the past too much. I am however a big worrier about the future - I make up endless scenarios, situations and conversations in my head to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for when these events will happen. But that's just it. They're in my head. There's no way telling if these made up situations will happen but if they do, I'll choose Joy. 

And I had already been choosing Joy. Someone also told me that they were trying to see how I've changed. I've come to realise quite frankly... that I don't really care. I've always been someone who spent too much time caring about what others thought of me. It's robbed me of choosing Joy. Although that's not going to change in the near future, as my economics teacher says 'I feel it in my bones'. It doesn't matter if people can't see how I've changed. I feel the change and the Joy inside of me. In the places that people don't see or don't think are of significance. 

And while yes, choosing Joy did come with some consequences but looking at the bigger picture, it's short term pain for long term gain. Not caring so much about other people's opinions of me and choosing Joy has made me feel so much lighter and so much happier. And I feel myself turning back into my form - to what I once was: the energetic, bubbly and positive person. 

Though this will be a slow change, nonetheless it's change. And it's a positive change...

all because I'm choosing Joy.