The Sims

lol please don't judge how my cheek squishes

The Sims. A game I played religiously when I was younger on my tablet, dreaming to buy the PC version and all the extentions. One of the things that exists in this fictional world is that to build relationships, you need to do things for them - compliment them, give them a hug, etc. so that they would like you more. 

Real life isn't like that. 

Throughout my life, since watching one of Jenn Im's vlogs where she mentions how she feels like she's been living like a sim I've really reflected on my toxic habits. I recognise and admit that there were times where I was a sim - where I lived for others to mould into the image they have of me, to get them to like me more. 

And particularly a few months ago I recognise now that I was living for others to the point of self-destruction which led to the destruction of those relationships. When describing me with 3 words, people typically use energetic, bubbly and positive. What happens when those are the emotions I'm not feeling? When my whole world is falling apart? Obviously you're not going to be energetic, bubbly and positive. 

But I have to be a good friend to them. I have to live up to other people's expectations, to live up to the person that they've created in their mind to be the perfect friend for them. I had put on this mask, this facade in order to be that person. It doesn't matter that I was numb, exhausted, and to be honest I was not okay... mentally it was the lowest point of my life for so many reasons. *throws it out of the window* who cares though?! I needed to be energetic, bubbly and positive. 

Not only was it toxic for the relationship because I grew to dread spending time with these people even though I loved them, and to a certain extent grew resentment towards them, most importantly, it was toxic for myself and my own health. I was unable to step away even though I knew it was the healthy thing to do because in my head I thought that I needed to be this person for them. And if I can't look after my own mental health and be there for me when I need it, there's no way that I'll be able to be a good friend for them. 

That brings the question of why am I doing this? I fear(ed) that people don't like me. One of my major flaws is that I need to please everyone and be everything to everyone. I am actively trying to change this mentality and reverse all those thoughts and prevent these situations in the future. I'm growing and learning to care less about what others think of me... of course I don't want to be seen as an asshole but if we aren't on the same wavelength then we aren't and that's just life.

I'm just trying to do my best. That's all. Yes I have and will make mistakes, but I am actively changing and evolving and that's a step in the right direction. 

Not sure where he got this motto from but either way... it definitely has come at the right time - 

"Operate your life from a place of power, not from fear." - Damon Dominique 

Written on 12/09/2020