Growing

Growth. Not physical growth, sadly I have stopped growing :') but that doesn't stop me from growing mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Particularly in this moment the mental/emotional and intellectual growth. 

I am currently in my final year of high school, preparing for my French oral exam in about a month's time and some people from my class and another school are practising together a few times a week. Today was one of those days, and let's just say that it did not go well. 

I was asked questions that I hadn't prepared for, researched enough, you get the gist. I'm sure that you've experienced this before, it was all overwhelming compounded by the fact that you heard that some private school kids got a perfect score on the practise French oral (what the heck)?! Okay you've probably never been in that exact situation (unless you're in my French class which I highly doubt you are) but something similar. It's not even the actual assessment, it's not that deep, and it doesn't need to go perfectly but because something didn't go as well as you'd hope, you just have this sense of doom and failure. 

And that ladies and gentlemen is where we are at now as many of you in this extended lockdown are most likely feeling. To be honest though, there's not really a definite way out of this slump but to just work hard and do your best and it really sucks. 

It's not up because I hate editing but I filmed a video yesterday (or the day before I'm writing this) about my daily habits and some of them include daily practise of some skills - drums and French. So even though in the wider scope I haven't improved a ton (although the French assistant says I have) just those small steps I feel... well at this point in time it's more of an 'I felt' that I was at least getting somewhere.

And the act or being curious and eager to learn I feel is a step in itself in the right direction to grow and learn more about the world. I feel like I talk about them all the time but I am really inspired by Damon Dominique and Jenn Im because they are constantly learning and growing despite being established in their careers and living their best lives. It just goes to show that there is a whole world out there of experiences, stories and lessons that aren't gonna learn by themselves so you gotta do it yourself. 

And now the mental and emotional growth... seat yourselves down ladies and gents and buckle up because you are in for a rollercoaster. Okay where do I start? Well honestly the only reason why I'm in the situation I'm in is because of my inability to properly process my thoughts and emotions, and then articulate them in a way that I would be understood. Or I think that's it. I'm still reflecting on it. Either way, I am in the midst of a fallout with some people who might actually be reading this so that's terrifying but whatever this is my blog and I can write about whatever the heck I want *cue D'Angello's intro*. Going back onto the main point... because I wasn't able to properly process what I was feeling, failed to articulate my problems/issues in a way that is productive/leads to the friendship being better, I really hurt these people.

Of course I'm not proud of that (who the heck would be) but after really reflecting on myself and the role I played... honestly it all just goes to the whole I didn't process my thoughts properly. Minus the storm or as French President Macron says "the war" against corona, a lot of things have happened that have led me to feel unvalued, a burden and all those fun emotions. Now I'm not saying that I am in the victim of all this, but everything happened so close together where I was still recovering from one event and BAM the next one happened. So now I'm sorting through this whole mountain pile of emotions. Where do I start? What exactly am I looking for? who the heck knows. But the one thing I do know is that because everything happened so close together, I never allowed myself to properly process my emotions. 

If you don't properly process what emotions you're feeling and why, you're going to end up like me where there are unresolved tensions and then you have underlying resentment towards those people. Even if they're some of the people you love the most. And to be honest that's more terrifying than the mere chance that they'll read this lmao. 

There is an abundance of other factors that led us to where we are now but we'd be writing a thesis if I continued. In my previous post 'Control' I talked about my anxiety coping mechanisms and they've also served to help me grow and develop into a better person. I really did hate myself for the hurt I caused and I'm sure you feel the same way when you wrong someone but staying in that bubble of self-hatred in reality is not going to get you anywhere. Trust me, I know. You're going to stay stagnant and nothing is going to be resolved and honestly, you're just wasting time that could be spent making good memories, having new experiences, meeting new people, just growing. 

Even though you may argue that taking the cold no-contact approach is a bit of a cop-out/asshole approach, in really taking a (few) steps back forces you to look at yourself and the root issues. Maybe it's just me but taking that approach has really aided my growth these past few weeks. I was able to pinpoint that I find it difficult to articulate my emotions and convey them. That when I do have unresolved tensions and I'm unable to solve them I do have resentment towards people where there are times that I really don't want to be around them. And that's not a healthy (any type of) relationship. 

I feel like I mentioned this somewhere sometime - time at this point is just a construct - but I'll say it again. This productivity/hustle culture really doesn't allow us time to focus on ourselves and grow as people and I am living proof of that. In my situation I could've easily cut the ties. Just like that. Or, I could've just continued the way I was had I not taken those steps back to look at the overarching issue. 

What I'm trying to get at is do not afraid to take a step back if you feel like it's the best. You will make some mistakes - and in my case some big ones and that's okay. Your true character is revealed once you decide what to do about it. If you don't grow, you are going to drag other people down with you and that is a situation no one wants to be in. Even though I haven't changed drastically, I can internally recognise and feel that I am learning and growing, overall just becoming a better person, friend, whatever that might be. And I believe that you can grow too :)

It definitely is scary to grow, especially mentally and emotionally. You're vulnerable to yourself and others but what's life without some bumps on the way? *cue song* Life is a highway and you are going to have some hiccups on the way. 

Might as well make the most of it and make the journey worthwhile.

**Also it's R U OK? day this week. Remember to look after yourselves, seek support and assistance if you need it and know that you are never alone. 

Written on: sometime early October (I think??)

Edit (11/01/21): I was sifting through my drafts and I found this lovely piece of coal. It's crazy how long ago this was but it felt like yesterday when I was writing this in the same exact place I am in now - looking back I have definitely grown, not as much as I would've liked as I was a bit lazy in doing my personal development habits but nonetheless I still learnt and grew. I am proud of the girl who wrote that initial blog post. Yes, she did some not-so-good things but she's learnt from them. These days, I find that I'm making time for myself to process what I'm thinking, have a strong support system who can help me dissect what I'm feeling and why and am communicating things that cause me discomfort or unease. Ultimately I'm leading a better life. And it's all thanks to that girl in early October.